Armenians
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
This page contains spoilers — Important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT THERE WAS NO ARMENIAN GENOCIDE!!!1
Although Armenians (from the Greek armenios, meaning “hairy and yak like”) are technically Eastern European, you’d have better luck finding Oprah at a Klan rally than an Armo in Armenia after at least 100 years of ownage by their Turkish neighbors. Armenians are mixture of Middle Eastern DNA and over 9,000 years of incest. In Armenia not only can you marry your first cousin, you can marry your half-sister. They are easily mistaken for Mexicans with huge noses and usually dress like blind transvestite hookers (women) or decked out in G-Unit sweaters and gold chains {men).
Smarter than your average Jew, the Armenians knew a lose/lose situation when they saw it, so they moved in with their auntie and uncle in Bel-Air. Because they couldn’t find a way to lease their four BMWs as well as an apartment in Bel-Air they all immediately moved to Glendale. The cloud of cheap cigarette smoke and Kabob fumes linger over most of Brand Blvd. to this day.
Life was good for the Armenians in the Dale of Glen and so they stayed, buying up everything in sight and generally stinking up the joint. It is not humanly possible for anyone who is not Armenian to get a decent paying job in Glendale, CA as most Armenians will hire within their own race. The best thing you could do if you find yourself in this situation is to buy every gold chain and Sean John shirt in sight, chain smoke and make out with members of the same sex in hopes that you might be confused with an Armenian and get hired.
Before long, Glendale was overrun with gun totin’, G-Unit wearin’, bling-bling sportin’ Armo-Wiggers driving Cadillac Escalades bumpin’ shitty disco music with no bass through massive speakers around the sleepy hollow. The village elders acted swiftly and banished the nascent Armo gangsta menace to East Hollywood (aka the United Subculture Internment Camp), a place where immigrants of every race, creed and color go to chase the American Dream and every nationality gets it’s own four blocks to call its own. Unfortunately, the only thing Armenian women are good for (besides standing in front of you in the grocery line talking loudly on her cellphone) is pumping out half-retarded wannabe gangster children and Glendale was soon overcome by the menace once again.
Cautionary Reminders
Haik, the legendary ancestor of the Armenians. He wants to sell you a cell phone.
Haik, the legendary ancestor of the Armenians. He wants to sell you a cell phone.
Haik’s wife. She owns 8 hookah bars under her illegal incorporated company and still lives with her parents in Northridge.
Haik’s wife. She owns 8 hookah bars under her illegal incorporated company and still lives with her parents in Northridge.
Important things to know about Armenians
* Armenians don’t like you.
* Armenians are actually shape-shifting reptiles from another dimension.
* Armenians hair is actually a form of narrow reptile scale.
* Armenians like guns. A lot.
* Armenians evolved large brains in order to balance their large noses.
* Armenians hate you.
* Armenians have a complex system of underground tunnels that they use to ambush food.
* Armenians are highly venomous.
* Armenians are almost as dangerous as Koreans, though Koreans lack a self-preservation instinct.
* Armenians still don’t like you.
* Armenians are more dangerous Jews, though they lack great numbers.
As of writing, the concerned crackers of East Hollywood, are lobbying hard for a Little Turkey to be added to the neighborhood since the denizens of Thailandtown, Little Odessa, K-Town etc. have yet to quieten the Armo threat within.
Armenians think it is unhealthy to bathe more than once a month, so they use tons of Axe Deodorant Spray or other cheap scents to try to cover up they stank. What you wind up with is a putrid blend of aromas called the “Armenian Shower”.
Woody Allen once said “He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.” Then he went and married his daughter.
Armenians are full of self hate and often lie to people and say they are Greek. Also, if you ask any Armenian male, he will tell you he is 100% straight…he will then proceed to touch and stand too close to every Armenian male within a 50-mile radius.
Greeks often say that they like Armenians, but only because they don’t want to wind up in a Glendale Pickle Factory. [1]
Armenians send lots of money to their country to help it kill serve the subhuman Turks master Turks. Armenians never seem to get Troll’s remorse and thus self-hating Armenians are almost unheard of.
Most Armenian males will never admit how secretly gay they are.
As Told By Abram Magomedov
To the modern world today, Armenians are what Jews used to be for medieval Europe. Everyone’s heard about them, but no one’s actually seen them. Their hooked eagle noses, their gut wrenching BO, and their hairy women are the stuff of legend.
As if hairy arms, thick black mustaches, shapeless asses and inner-tube tummies weren’t torture enough, Armenian girls won’t screw you unless you put a ring on their finger. That’s because if an Armenian chick isn’t pure, she’ll never get married and will never become the Middle Eastern breeder she’s aspired for so long to become.
Anyway, after more than an hour cruising Yerevan’s tochkas, we finally found a banya stocked with two of its own in-house whores. After seeing the first whore – her face was pretty, but her body consisted of hairy arms, rolls of stomach fat, two stumpy legs and a big, shapeless ass – I told my friend that she was all his and I’d go with the next one.
That was a bad gamble.
The second whore – the whore I was now stuck with – could’ve easily passed for an overfed crack ho. Her matted, oily peroxided hair, pockmarked face masked by flaking white face powder, lard body and matching pink mini skirt outfit made her looked like a cross between the Bride of Frankenstein and Miss Piggy.
There was no chance of leaving for the next two hours – Armen was my ride. For a long while, I just sat in silence, watching Armenian TV and downing shots of vodka, before deciding that I just had to get it over with. I didn’t want to, but I didn’t really have a choice.
She took a shower, immediately put her pink bra back on and promptly lay down on the bed with her legs wide spread, exposing a dark hairy patch of hair that stretched from her lower stomach all the way into her ass. I took a shower too and she motioned for me join her. As I moved closer, the patches of curly black hair on her big toes hinted at why she put her bra back on.
Even though I realized what lay beneath, I appreciated that gesture. Staring at a pair of hairy nipples would have been far nastier than simply knowing that they were there. It would have made the whole thing impossible to complete.
I got on the bed and positioned myself on my knees between her legs but I couldn’t bring myself to lie on top of her. Her skin was a patchwork of red splotches and zits, a few of which on her shoulder had been scratched off and glistened with fresh blood and pus. Every inch of her body screamed biohazard. I was paralyzed with revulsion. Sensing that I needed help, she pushed me down on the bed, got between my legs and started to jerk me off. I thought it would be hopeless. No way was my dick volunteering for such horror. But no, a few unloving tugs and my dick starting coming to life. That was puzzling.
She got it into a semi-soft nub, slipped on a jimmy, rolled over onto her back and spread her legs again.
Resting on my knees and supporting myself with my hands so that I wouldn’t press against her body, I managed to get on top of her and position my dick as close as a I could to her snatch. She grabbed my dick and slipped it in. I couldn’t feel a thing. She attempted to pull me down towards her, but I resisted.
I closed my eyes, found a rim of her snatch that I could rub against and concentrated on fucking it. But I had no room and with every thrust I could feel her day-old leg stubble chafing my skin like sandpaper. There was no way I could maintain the little cock pressure that I had. I had to abort mission.
As I got up, to my horror, she actually enjoyed it. A lot. She smiled – and in her half-guttural Russian – promised me a freebie on my birthday. I drank vodka continuously in an effort to black myself out. It was a good thing Armen was driving. I wasn’t sure how he managed to drag me back into the car.
From that day on, the very mention of Armenia would numb me like a vodka hangover.
Fun Facts about Armenians
Fact!
Fact!
Even now, Sacha Baron Cohen may not fully realize just how closely Borat captured the true essence of being Armenian.
Even now, Sacha Baron Cohen may not fully realize just how closely Borat captured the true essence of being Armenian.
An Armenian cultural event (minus the pigs).
An Armenian cultural event (minus the pigs).
* Armenians are probably the most disgusting (alleged) race on the planet. They are fat, smelly, loud and untrustworthy. And that’s the good news.
* The Turks thought that Armenians were more worthless than the Jews; the ones they didn’t genocide were exiled to the apartment next-door to me in LA.
* When Armenians move to America, they insist on forming their own city/state by moving into the same apartment complex; all 1,000,000 of them.
* Armos make Jews look like Whitey.
* Armos also make Jews look like Bill Gates when it comes to their legendary cheapness. Armenians will haggle any price and are responsible for At least 100 cases of fireplace ashes swapped out for cremains, stuffing mattresses with used clothes, you know, that sort of third-world “I gotcha!” frugality dupe.
* No two Armenian men can be near each other for longer than ten minutes without doing something relatively homosexual.
* the Nu-Metal Band System of a Down is of Armenian decent.
* Armenian youth make wiggers look like NORPs.
* The “Armenian Genocide” is in fact true. Even though 2 million Armenians didn’t live in those times, the fact is that 2 million Armenians died as a result.
* Armenians have never killed anyone. Ever.
* In Armenian culture it is generally acceptable for a 40 year old man to be dating a 16-year old girl. That means that pretty much every Armenian man who doesn’t love the cock is a pedo.
* Most Armenians do not move out of their parents house until they are 73. Then they move next door.
* Armenians drive BMWs and buy all their groceries with food stamps.
* The ultimate goal for Armenians in life is to one day win the Eurovision song contest. This is to be done by diaspora voting.
* Armenian names are typically impossible to pronounce, and sound more like guttural throat-clearing methods than actual names.
* It is a known fact that for every year of an Armenian person’s life their nose will grow an inch, and when they reach a certain age, it devours them completely.
* Pretending to be an Armenian is the best way to troll Turks on the internets.
* Armenians have not been informed about the invention known as the trash can, so they use plastic bags.
* Armenians are drunken fags.
* The first freak show bearded lady was Armenian.
* Armenian children start growing chest hair at age 9.
* Given their inherent hairiness, some say that Armenians are really just furries.
* You ever see that movie Borat? Now you know everything there is to know about Armenians and Armenia.
True Story
In 1987, the city of Glendale had a problem with too many pigeons downtown. The mayor offered a $100,000 reward to anyone who could remove the pigeons. A man came to town and told the mayor he could solve the problem. He then took out of his pocket a little wind-up pigeon and let him walk down Brand Blvd. in the heart of downtown Glendale. Before long, all the pigeons in town followed the wind-up pigeon into oncoming traffic. Splat, splat, splat, no more pigeons. The mayor said, “This is AMAZING! I’ll triple your reward if you have a little wind-up Armenian!”
2008 wishuponacupcake / Creative Commons
2008 Sew Ripped / Creative Commons
